Fear

A big change is coming my way the next few weeks and I felt the desire to share with you how this all came about. In October 2011, Truth, Felipe and myself had a wonderful trip hiking in the red rocks of southern Utah. At the end of that trip Truth and I were at dinner discussing my life, because it was taking some unplanned turns and I was not where I thought I would be. I had a 5 year year plan to be completed at 25, but at 30 it still wasn't happening. After another break up that summer, I contemplated my life and what I wanted from this short time on earth.

Being LDS, I believe that there is a continuation of life after death and that we will take our memories and relationships with us. There is more after death, but we are here to grow and learn from mistakes and others. Back to the life-pondering thinking. What would make me happy here on earth, how could I create meaningful eternal relationships with others, how could I find fulfillment and make this place a little better after I left? I thought about many things, but one thing kept coming up. Go to medical school. Um.....what? Haha. I'd always worked around MDs and had some wonderful experiences, but that path was hard, time consuming and I wasn't smart enough. I brushed it aside because I was 30 and in the process of paying off my student loans from grad school. More debt? No thank you! When someone tells you they didn't want to marry you because of debt, it sticks with you. But the thought was always there, lurking in the corners of my mind. So at this dinner I mentioned the thought of applying. Truth quickly got out a pen and paper and we made a list of pros and cons in applying.

The list was comprehensive, but what it all boiled down to was fear. Fear was preventing me from going after my dreams. Fear that I would fail, fear of being in debt yet again and fear that I would be great. Fear of being great? Yep, that's right. I was afraid of being great. Because being great takes time, effort and patience. I was good and comfortable with life. However, I was not finding fulfillment in my life and was afraid to take a chance to be/do something great. (Yes, I have read the self help book recently of good and great things. Thanks Pop!) The thought of my fears reminded me of a quote by Marianne Williamson often attributed to Nelson Mandela.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are in adequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you. We were going to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us, it is In everyone. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberate others."

I was the only thing stopping me from trying and I didn't want to regret not applying. I didnt want to be 40 and think what I could have done with the last ten years of my life. (YOLO you know?) I talked to an admissions counselor at the University of Utah to see what requirements I would need to complete before medical school. It turns out I had all the prerequisites, service hours, leadership skills, clinical and research experience required and I didn't need to take any additional classes. The only thing I needed to do was take the dreaded MCAT. This was another obstacle I had used to dissuade me from applying previously. I feared standardized tests. (I may have tested into ESL as a 6th grader.) Fear no more! I signed up for six months MCAT course and began my journey.

Every week I would attend class and study all the time. I was studying things I learned 10 years ago, if only I knew then I would be doing this now I may have paid attention more! Organic chemistry, chemistry, physics, and biology. I would like to personally thank my friends Laura Shearer and Karyn Leniek for all their dedication and help tutoring me. I really appreciate it and could not have done it without you. If I ever get two mini dauchshunds I will name them Shearer and Leni after you. I was very busy with my regular job, my part-time job in sports broadcasting but this is something that was important to me. I carried flashcards all the time and studied on walks on my lunch break. I would bring flashcards to study while I waited for the games to start. I would find anytime I could and try to learn as much as possible. I was completely dedicated, but still feared a little. I didn't tell a lot of people what was going on just in case it didn't work out. (A little fear) Most of you are just hearing about this now.

I took the MCAT in May 2012 and didn't do so well. I took it again in September. At the same time, I was applying for medical schools and this is a whole other blog entry reserved for another time. I applied to 18 schools and got an interview at one. As a non-traditional student with pretty avg gpa, I didn't expect much. Some of these kids have been winning spelling bees since the 5th grade and genetically programmed to be med school robot-esque. I still remember the little kid in the suit with the roller suitcase at UCSD. I wonder if he can talk to girls yet? The interview went well because thanks to my mission in Italy, I can chat it up with anyone and I was pretty passionate about my goal. I still feared rejection, and the possibility that it may just actually work out. (Double fear. Which is like a double negative I think and cancels out).

Also, I feared that I was giving up on marriage and family because who is going to want to marry someone with a mortgage in their head! But the last four years of having a steady income have shown that I am really good with money. I have paid off almost all my debt and saved a significant amount. I brag because I owe this talent to my parents who taught us how to work hard, play hard and be smart with money. Hopefully someone else can see this too and take a chance on me. I've realized the type of person I want and I won't settle just because of the fear of being alone. I want a co-captain for this crazy adventure of life. Someone I can high five as we tag team all the craziness, fun and challenge that life on earth brings. (Side note: I really love high fives, it's one of my love languages. That and mixed CDs. Nothing says I love you like some pirated music from the early 90's.) So I am willing to wait and work for that. Little does he know he'll be messing with a regional YSA campion in softball and bball. Hope he's good at HORSE or he'll be doing a lot of dishes. Sucker. Haha. No really, he'll be great, just not now. No tears for fears here.

I got in to Ross University! I'm doing it. I go to the island of Dominica for 4 semesters and then I come back to the states to do all my clinicals. I come home for a month in between each semester and have no summers off. I am so excited about this opportunity. I excited because its the perfect place for me. I love adventures and I've always done well in tropical environments. San Diego taught me how to study at the beach, so no worries there. I'm excited about the material I will be learning and the refiner's fire of the medical school process. I'll probably hate it most of the time, but the outcome will be well worth it. All great things require great effort. (Another self help book was listened to on my drive to Utah)

I leave in about three weeks and I've been so happy since deciding to go. Things are falling into place and it feels so right. A friend recently asked me if I was afraid and I quickly replied "No, because as an avid follower of pirate watch online, I know that there are no pirates in the Caribbean." I have nothing else to be afraid of now. As I tell more people, I love how they mentioned their dreams and goals and what's holding them back. They say how they admire my path and I encourage them to go for their dreams. Life is meant to be lived. Don't fear, take a chance. It means you believe in tomorrow. And I do.